WHAT DO YOU CALL GORDON BRAUN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? A START

When Peter Bolton of the National Association of Estate Agents develops a moral conscience and describes your actions as, “very, very dangerous” you know the end is in sight, or most people would. The only quote missing from the week news was one from the International Bar Association asking for an across the board rate-cut for all its members. To manage in a short space of time to make yourself more unpopular than lawyers and estate agents is perhaps the biggest coup in British political history (although perhaps more so if it had moved the ratings the other way!)

The ‘stamp duty fiasco’, (alas we haven’t managed to coin a better name yet, stamp duty-gate just doesn’t have quite the cut it) is sadly now typical of a beleaguered PM and his bizarrely eyebrowed friend vomiting out last minute policy without having the backbone to make last minute decisions. Perhaps they hoped that in leaking it to The Sun they would avoid the news spreading to people who actually have to pay stamp duty (house prices above £125k) to look active without moving the market and risking failure. Unfortunately they forgot that since the boom of the Frappucino years the only houses worth less than £125k are found in Mr Braun’s own constituency and that noveau-riche people read The Sun! And since it was good news (or would have been had anyone in Downing Street had even a vestige of a backbone left) it was clearly leaked from the colander barge that is the PM’s office, since no-one leaks anything that The Sun can’t put Maddy, Diana or BDSM in the title. The house of Braun is sinking faster than peace protesters rafts in the Medway.

If this had been bad news this delivery would have been fantastic, instantly talk turned to not, whether it was a good idea or not (it actually is, but only when coupled with a non-existent arsenal of other measures) vanished and turned to everyone from estate agents to his own Treasury colleagues attacking him for his on-going silence on the matter, rumour has it he was still trying to decided which pair of socks to wear. Of course in this time, nobody is going to buy a house when they can buy it in a month for 2% less and without stamp duty, of course as the government keeps telling us this is only one of the possibilities and might not happen, mean while the damage has been done. Two minutes after the announcement, sorry leak, when the house of Braun realised what was going on they could have been on the phone to every news editor and agency to affirm of deny, with such a wholly weak measure the difference would have been negligible and Braun and Eyebrows could lurch towards the next crisis.

Iinstead of tackling a greater public resentment than Major nurtured or desperately trying to buoy up a flaccid housing market and reign down fuel costs, Eyebrows made announcements of merit such as “It’s important we’re straight with people” Straight. Straight!? How does leaking a policy and following it up with in-fighting, claims and counter claims count as straight.

Meanwhile, the unerringly quiet and small House of Harman came forward with the reverence of the Christmas message to say how they were “taking politics to the people” by holding a Cabinet meeting in the Midlands. She even expressed delight at the prospect! The Midlands, who expresses delight at going to the Midlands, anything more jovial than mild-apathy stinks of extreme duress. Why take it to the people in the Midlands? No real people actually live in the Midlands, it populated by middle management arguing over wheelie bins and kids shooting up McDonalds because of the above inflation price rise in McFlurrys. There’s a very good reason why Londoners pay £2.50 for a coffee and endure the subterranean jungle that is the tube everyday, this is our tax for being ‘in the action’, listen to us, we’re saying the same thing as those up North (Midlands is Northern) just more eloquently and not ending every sentence with like, like. So come on Mr Braun, stand up, man up, sack the boy who played foreign secretary and give us the leader we need, or resign, we’re beyond caring but just do something! McBloodytastic. Franklin